Currently All I Ever Wanted By Kelly Clarkson Cry see related

All my life I always wanted to fly.

I’ve noticed that I haven’t been myself lately. I look at myself in pictures that were taken a year ago and compare them to ones that were captured recently, and I don’t look happy. My smile is forced, my happiness is fake. It’s not genuine. Okay, so I graduate is less than two months, and I have yet to solidify future plans about anything, but that’s not the problem. It’s that I feel like I can’t fly.

I’ve always loved the feeling of soaring. Not physically of course. Something happens and suddenly you feel like you can do anything, be anything, go anywhere. Your soul seems to take flight. But recently, I feel as if my surroundings, my classes, and everyone I know are all stifling me. I can’t do what I want to do, and I can’t just let everything go because there is a certain mold that I have to fit into everyday – a certain way I have to act.

With my entire future at my fingertips, I question where I’m going. I question whether I’m going to get a job I want. I wonder if I made the right career choice. The right city choice.  Heck even the right choice for life. I feel like I don’t want to be nailed down yet to people or places or jobs.

I’ve spent so much time studying and working these last years that I feel like I haven’t had any time to discover anything about me. I've taken steps backward. So, I just want to graduate and fly away. Go far away without anyone I know. I want to learn about myself. I want to learn who I’m supposed to be. What I like to do. I want to spin in circles and laugh and travel the world. I want to meet people and have others change my life. I feel like I’ve fallen away from myself these past few years, and suddenly instead of being concerned about my "planned" future, I’m looking for the first opportunity I can to get away from everything.

I know you're not supposed to be jealous of anything, but... to take flight, to soar above everything and everyone, now that's living.

Currently For Emma, Forever Ago By Bon Iver Re: Stacks see related

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

Do you ever have those moments where suddenly everything clicks together? Where suddenly all of your actions are explained? That giant a-ha psychiatrist moment where you looking at yourself from the outside? I had mine today.

The past few weeks, I’ve been nervous – more like embarrassed – to job search. Every resume and cover letter that I turn in I think that it’s not good enough, that employers will laugh at my measly achievements. I guess I would call myself an accomplished college student, but most days I’ve viewed my accomplishments of the last four years as mere child’s play – peanuts in big kid world.

My cover letter details the largest event planning event I’ve done to date – the Fourth Annual Mr. University contest. I began the journey with a few pieces of paper from the previous Director of Philanthropy and an open road. I saw the event of the past and I wanted to push its boundaries. I wanted to make it better. I wanted to push myself to my limit – to pour my heart and soul into this event all for my sorority. So I did. I revamped. I regrouped. I delegated. I skipped classes. I didn’t sleep. After over 1,000 attendees, 37 boys, and over three times as much money raised as the previous year, I was proud of what I had accomplished and what the event had become. I used women I knew were strong in the areas that I wasn’t. I pushed people. I wanted the best my sorority could give.

Afterwards, I spent hours writing countless thank you letters to the sisters that had devoted their time to the event. At the next chapter meeting, I was excited to hear feedback. However, the chapter was praised, and other sisters were noted for their contributions. Nothing was said to me. Hurt, I thought that maybe someone would say something that week. Weeks turned into months as I still hung on to the hope that someone would thank me for all of the work I did. The past Director was praised until it was disgusting. All I wanted was a thank you. Not my name in lights. However, no one said thank you. No one wrote a one line thank you letter. So, with my head held high, I patted myself on the back and moved on. We all don’t get recognized, and I understand that, but I also believe that everyone deserves some credit for the things – big, small, or anywhere in between – that they accomplish.  

Now, another girl is in charge of the event. And from what I hear, things aren’t going as well as they should. While I got a few papers and no direction, I put together an almost 30 tab binder with everything I did. I spent hours explaining the event, making sure everyone understood. I wanted the new women to take what I started and run with it. I wanted them to improve the event. I got the event to where it really should have been, and now it was up to them. However, apparently they were struggling. When problems occur, it normally would occur to one to ask the person who successfully completed the job before for advice. I know that I can’t do the job, but I can give advice. I could help.

However, in place of me, the past Fundraising chair and past President have been in secret meetings with women in charge of the event to help bring the event around.  Living with one of the women, I have been made aware of their advice giving meetings, but not informed of what is going on.  I’ve been told that I shouldn’t be offended about not being asked to help.  That I really can’t know what is going on. That I don’t know the whole story. That I can’t attend meetings. Of course I’m offended, but even more than that, I’m hurt. Hurt that I’m not valued. Hurt that my opinion must not mean anything. Hurt that no one would think to ask me anything. Or to help. Hurt that this event might not be as successful as last year despite all of the “work” that I did last year.

My senior year in my sorority has been a rollercoaster ride. Suddenly I’ve seen people for who they really are. And when I’m in a room with my own class, I feel inferior. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like I don’t have a voice. Or that no one cares. I feel like all of my efforts for the past years have been deleted. I feel like I’m invisible.

Now I wonder if something is wrong with me because no one wants to ask me for advice. I wonder if I really didn’t accomplish anything. I wonder if what I did for the event really didn’t mean anything. Now I feel like I’m under qualified as an event planner. I feel as if employers will laugh at my resume, at my cover letter. I feel like I’m not good enough.   I feel like I’m not respected. And that is where it clicked. I feel this way not only towards the event but towards my career – my future – because of my sisters. How can you feel respected and appreciated when the women who mean the most in your life, who gave you the opportunity to shine, don’t even see you?

Currently The Fray By The Fray Happiness see related

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Growing up we’ve all gone through a plethora of careers. From astronaut and chef to teacher and doctor, we changed career ideas upon our current whims and passions. Somewhere in between crime scene investigator and lawyer, I was bound and determined that I would become a teacher for children with special needs. I had never really had any experience with children with disabilities, but I wanted to be a part of their lives.

Being in the presence of someone with a disability is a different experience in and of itself. Most of the time one can communicate thoughts or feelings somewhat successfully. However, when one encounters an individual who is deaf, suddenly even the understanding of the simplest phrase seems light years away.

It was late summer. One of those sticky days where all you wanted to do is stay inside but at the same time longed for the sunshine. I was in a classroom with other students my age beginning a unit on disabilities. Therefore, we were all taken into a classroom of students with disabilities to experience children with special needs first hand. There, I was introduced with the help of an interpreter to the cutest ten year old girl I had never seen. However, she was deaf. I wanted to ask her about her favorite cartoons and hobbies, but without any experience in American Sign Language, I felt helpless.

Watching this child, I suddenly felt a pang of embarrassment and sadness. Here I stood -- my radio blaring at all times, complaining about people yelling -- my world enveloped in sound. For as long as I could remember, music was my life. In fact, I swore that some days it was the only thing that willed me out of bed every morning. However, this young healthy child had never heard laughter, the rhythmic melodies of lullabies, or the sound of her parents’ voices.

Catching on to my emotions, the interpreter, speaking for the child, asked what was wrong. I was stuck. I couldn’t lie to her, so I explained how sad I was that she never could experience what I could experience. I mentioned the joy that I gained from music -- from the perfect combination of rhythm and notes.

In the buzzing of the cicadas the child laughed and signed what appeared as a simple sentence. The interpreter smiled. “What did she say – er – sign?” I asked. I stared intently at the old woman wishing I had never opened my mouth, fearing that I somehow offended this little girl. She old woman smiled, the lines around her eyes creasing warmly. “She wants to tell you that she hears symphonies.”

Eyes blurring, I tried my hardest to hold back the waterfall that I felt would fall over my face. My mind couldn’t understand how this small child could even comprehend melodies, yet at the same time, I was awed at her wisdom.  Then the lights in the classroom flashed, signaling the start of class, and the young girl took her seat, leaving me in amazement.

Years later, I opted in my senior year in college to take a course in American Sign Language. Many of my peers can’t understand why I would choose this education class as one of my only electives. While a teaching career may not be my calling, I find myself drawn to those who are deaf. To those who sing and dance to their own rhythms. To those who can hear symphonies. It makes me want to understand and experience their symphonies – symphonies without a sound.

Currently Just Listen By Sarah Dessen see related

But you only get so many do-overs in life,
so many chances to,
if not change your past,
alter your future

Throughout life we change social circles like we change dance partners. People come and go as you mature, learn, and grow up. However, how do you act around an old social circle that remains in tact -- the original circle that has withstood the test of time with all of its members ... minus you? There you are, marked by your experiences of the last three years, believing that you are a better person for what you have overcome. You've met incredible people along the way and broadened your horizons. You've aligned yourself with individuals who share your same dreams, passions, and intellectual level. You don't regret any decision that you've made or the paths that you've traveled -- they have molded you into the person you are today. Yet at the same time, when you come in contact with this old social circle, untainted with time, you almost feel embarrassed.... Embarrassed that you left ... Embarrassed that they still act the same way they used to three years ago.... Embarrassed that here you are as an young woman, ready to take on the world, and they have barely aged.

So with a smile, you pass. Proud of who you have become, but at the same time, trying not to make it seem like you are above them. While they were good building blocks to your entry into a new world, you've moved on, and you moved on for a reason. You changed dance partners and never went back. Yet why do miss the dance when you hear their laughter?

You must understand the whole of life, not just part of it. That is why you must read, you must look at the skies, you must sing, you must dance, and you must understand. For all that … is life...

Currently The Hollow of Morning By Gemma Hayes At Constant Speed see related

If I keep a constant speed
and watch everything rush past me
it’s the quickest way to leave it all behind
only it never leaves

It’s funny how you can will your mind to store away thoughts into the deepest filing cabinets of your mind – to the point where you forget that you stored it away. However, it only takes one mention of the topic to bring the thought that you thought you stored away back to Technicolor and what you dread the most out of anything … reality.

Time always works in weird ways. If we want time to slow, it somehow finds a way to pass faster, bringing the inevitable weeks, days, or minutes closer in the blink of an eye. And no matter what event occurs or who enters your life for one reason or another, time seems to prevent the deletion of anything or for that matter anyone.

So you can’t avoid confrontation just like you can’t avoid reality. But sometimes, don’t you wish that time would be on your side just a little longer?  However, all you can do is keep living your life the way that you’ve been accustomed to, despite the fact that you feel like everything is moving in fast forward … okay more like 20x. But maybe moving at what seems as the speed of light is a good thing. Maybe when that fateful moment occurs, everything will blur and all you will see it outlines of everything. Just maybe it will be over before you even realize it started.

I just see an outline
Just see an outline of you